Day 3: In Honour #captureyourgrief Orion's life changed mine forever. It stripped me bare. I have spent the last year and a half struggling to make sense of my identity because so much has changed. But I don't think Orion's life took anything away from mine: I think it REVEALED me, and that is incredibly uncomfortable, to be honest. I think its made me a much better mother, to all 3 of my children, but its made it difficult to be married to me. Or to be me. The only way I can describe it is like a butterfly: they are going along as a happy caterpillar and one day something changes and they find themselves in a cocoon of their own making. They liquefy and all their parts rearrange on a cellular level to create a magnificent butterfly. That's what happened when I found out Orion was going to die, I went into a cocoon. The night he died he had massive painful seizures and I couldn't help him except to rub my belly and tell him how much I loved him and that it was okay to move on if he was ready. It was the hardest thing of my life. It was the toughest thing I will ever be called upon to do as a mother: to tell my child that its okay to die. I liquefied. And my heart and soul went into chaos for a time. With Iris's birth I think I was reborn too...but it was shocking, terrifying, new. It did not go well for either one of us and there were all kinds of new things to grieve. I had no idea how to move around with wings. I knew they were there, I could feel the weight of them, but I was still trying to crawl from place to place. It didn't work. Everything fell apart. I went to my mom's for a month. I shared Orion with her openly, flooded her home with my tears, let myself die so I could embrace life again. And I have. It sucks not knowing how to fly...not knowing how to be a good mother to Scarlet and Iris and Orion...not knowing how to react when well-meaning people try to understand who he is and how he fits in our family and hurting me in the process. Learning that every moment of searing pain was just cutting away the tether that secured me to the ground. Panicking when I realized it was truly gone and I was truly free. And then great rejoycing. Re-joy-cing. Re-Joy-Sing. Yes. Freedom and love and flying and life like I have never known it before. Sometimes its hard to relate to others as I try out these new wings. But surrender and grace have been my mantras, and I hope I can honor ALL of my children! Scarlet: with miracles. Orion: with the sacred. And Iris: with surrender. What a beautiful, amazing life they have given me! Give the choice, I would choose to be Orion's mom over and over and over again. He is such a blessing and I hope to honor him by sharing him with all of you. (The photo is of a doll, not Orion.)
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