Dear Orion,
Today would be your third birthday. It *is* your third birthday. And by 3, in angel terms, the world has mostly moved on. Some people remember the significance of this day, some do not. Even fewer understand why I celebrate it.
I celebrate it because you lived. I celebrate it because you matter. I celebrate it because your life was more than just grief and loss and death. And your legacy is FAR more than that. People might forget, but your mom never will. I celebrate because your life was beautiful and filled with love.
This year I have been trying to move our family out of "trauma" setting and into "normal" setting. Its meant getting my health on track (which has been a struggle) getting support systems in place (which has been blessedly successful), finding my own soul again, encouraging Scarlet and Iris to find their own unique voices and wings and magical inner spirits, and perhaps most importantly: shifting our encounters with you from just being sad and grief filled and crying all the time, to something more balanced: the grief will absolutely always be there, I will long for you until we are together again...but there also needs to be joy. We need to remember that with death you were born into something brilliant and bright and wonderful. You were healed.
Scarlet is struggling with the concept of death. Her emotions can't keep up with her intelligence. So I've been trying to help her see how much happy love I have for you, not just tears, but laughter too. She loves to hear the story of you kicking her while she napped across my belly. She loves to hear the story of her dancing to the rhythm of your heartbeat on the doppler. She loves to hear all the stories about you. And I love to tell them. We smile ear to ear as we share these memories of you.
And recently I told her that you were filled with joy now. Its a concept she keeps bringing up at the oddest moments, her face with a strange look of bewildered concentration. She gets very quiet.
But it is absolutely what I believe: you are not only filled with joy, but you ARE joy. You are pure oneness with creation. You are returned to God in such a way that you are now part of God. You are God. But those ideas are too big for words, and too big for Scarlet. I want her to find those answers herself, and I want her to experience the journey of seeking those answers. But I believe in souls because of you, with irrefutable proof. And I also know your soul is not housed here any more, because I would feel it. It is a piece of me that I gave to you, and it is a piece that is now a part of the holy universe, and I am so very honored to be your mother and a part of all that.
It humbles me.
Sometimes I think of what you might be doing here on earth at 3 years old...what kind of cake I might have made, what kind of party you would have requested, what kind of noise would fill our lives. But I don't imagine you where you are as a toddler-preschooler. You are beyond my concept of time now, and I'm okay with that. I'd rather imagine you as some ethereal celestial mass dancing between stars, whirling up the stardust and creating new galaxies. What other people feel on the first day their child goes to Kindergarten, I feel every day. My tiny child, grown up too fast, out there in the world doing marvelous things and I'm not ready. I took your picture, I waved you good-bye, I knew you would have fun where you were going. But I wanted to keep you home with me forever.
I was forced to be brave, and that's okay.
So I want you to know that your family down here on earth really is doing okay...we struggle, we break, we mend, we try again. We miss you. But I can hear your laughter when I look at the stars, and it is infectious and magical. I can hear it in your sisters' laughter too once in a while, when they laugh with pure joy and hit the notes just right. Because you are a part of us, and you are joy.
And I could not be more proud of you.
Love,
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment